Tomorrow, I'm moving to New York City... I know. It doesn't feel real.
I've been trying really hard to take it all in, enjoy the experience, slow down and process the change -- perhaps the biggest change in my life, thus far. But it's been hard to do. I've been busy and stressed and nervous and feel as if I've been moving through life at 100mph for weeks, months even. Figuring out how to get to New York has been a long, winding process. And now that I'm actually taking the jump, it's still seems so very surreal.
There have been moments though, over the past few days of packing and finishing up work and running errands, in which something coalesces and I think, "Yeah, of course ... This is 100% the exact, right decision." I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing at the exact right time, in the exact right place. And time slows down a little bit and I'm able to breathe deep and recognize that I've sparked a big change and I'm going to be better for it in the long run.
When I imagine what my life might look like a month from now, six months from now, a year, three years, ten years from now (who knows?) ... that's when I get really excited, and feel really full. Full of gratitude, full of possibility, full of courage and love and serendipity and confidence. All of which, I'm starting to think, is really just happiness spread out across thousands of different thoughts and feelings.
Because I am happy. I'm happy to be moving. But moving is confusing -- talk about conflicting emotions. I'm thrilled yet terrified. Happy yet sad. Confident yet self-conscious at the same time. For me, it's been hard to vocalize the decision that I'm moving without worrying how other people feel about that choice. Are they excited I'm following my dreams? Or do they feel snubbed? Abandoned? Do they think I'm selfish? Reckless?
But that, of course, is my own shit. Most people don't care at all. In fact, it's probably self-indulgent of me to think they do. And the few who might, well ... does it matter? No. Absolutely not.
This is a decision only I could make for myself. And once I realized I wasn't even allowing myself an alternative, it became so clear -- New York or bust.
As far as I know, we only have one life. And living in New York is an experience I want for my life -- always have, always will. So even when I'm feeling unsure about the hundreds of other "good reasons" I have for moving to the city, that's the one that keeps me grounded. It doesn't matter if other people don't "get" that. It's good enough for me, and that's all that matters.
Tomorrow will be a whirlwind, I'm sure, but I'm excited for more of those moments in which I get to pause and take it all in. This is an experience I'll carry with me for the rest of my life and I'm doing my best to honor that -- acknowledge major, life-changing moments for what they are. But I'm also doing my best to lighten up and have some fun along the way. After all, I'm following my dreams. And that's something to feel really, really good about.